Dear Davis

These memories of you/ keep me company at night.

“Let’s go on an adventure” was your favorite thing to say to me.

I remember the first time you called me for an “adventure.”  20 minutes later, you were at my front door with 6 strangers in a beat-up SUV.  You introduced me to your friends as “Vah-knee-ss” and described me as: “pretty dope.”  Immediately, everyone nodded in agreement.  You said I was cool therefore I was cool.  There was no time for debate.  We were on a mission.

We jumped onto the 210 W freeway and made a beeline for the La Canada Hills.  Once we were at the rendezvous point, four other cars unloaded and teenagers from all over the San Gabriel Valley materialized with eager faces.  You announced that we were going to jump the gate labeled “Danger: Do Not Enter,” hike a quarter of a mile into the darkness, and set off fireworks in the closed sewer tunnels.  My skin was crawling with excitement, not from the anxiety of possibly being caught, but because you had introduced me to people-from all over-who knew nothing about me.  You gave me the opportunity to be whoever I wanted to be.

You told them I was strong, sharp, and adventurous; and as the leader of the pack, this immediately became the accepted opinion.  From that moment on, I absorbed this identity and have been developing it every since.

***

During my junior year at Boston College, I got a call from our mutual best friend Monique: “Davis is gone.”

I stared into my LSAT book and the words started melting into one another.  The sun shone brilliantly into the study room I had booked for 8 hours (on a Saturday) and all I could mumble was, “I need to study, let’s talk and process this together later.”  After studying furiously for another three hours, I finally packed-up my belongings to head home and then everything went dark.

I blacked back in at 9pm, in my studio, screaming as if someone was stabbing me.  I started shattering everything I could get my hands on; I wanted my surroundings to mirror how I felt inside.

How could you fucking do this to me?  I am only what you created me to be.  I am nothing more, but everything less.

After an hour-long meltdown, I finally got the nerve to call my best friend and she started the grieving protocol for me.  A parade of close friends, residents, therapists, employers, and priests rotated in and out of my room to “check up on me,” but the gesture was much like talking to a coma patient: thoughtful, yet ineffective.  My mind had given up and my body was barely kept conscious by my best friend gently stroking my head.

My heart is broken into two/ half of it with me/ half of it with you.

Two years later and thousands of miles away, I find myself enduring a similar sense of hopelessness during this year’s grieving process, but for different reasons.

As your birthday approaches, I can’t help but try to visualize who you would have been today.  I see you living in Georgia, ghost writing for Beyonce, and skyping me about how you’re getting too old for the music industry already.  You’re face is way too close to the computer camera, you’re wearing a shirt that says “To The Moon And Back Twice,” and you’re telling me that I’m too cool to do something I don’t really love.  As always, you believe in me more than I believe in me.

You’re the reason I started this whole adventure.  You’re the reason I’m not rotting in some library dreaming of Asia.  You were the ultimate wanderer.  You did whatever you wanted, whenever you wanted, wherever you wanted to do it.  We were always headed in the direction of nowhere in particular and if Sonny had gas in his SUV, we could bring along another 5 people. But if you fell… what chance do I have?

If I knew what to do/ it would already be done.

 Ever since that day, I’ve been trying to prove to myself that I am everything you thought I was. If you could send me some sort of sign that I’m doing something right, I’d be most obliged.  Was China the right move or am I meant to be in Iraq?  Tell me now because I’m committing the next two years to studying Chinese and Arabic seems like a far easier transition.  Just let me know where the next adventure is and I’ll be there-with people-I got mad peeps now.

You were a beacon of light for so many people who felt like they were drowning in their ocean of problems; including myself.  Whenever I’m down in China, with my back against the wall, I reflect on your music:

I’ll take you to the moon/ into the stars so you/ can see them for yourself… I’m here to show you how/ tonight this is the night/ we’ll fall into the sky.

I’ll carry your light now; so will all of your friends and family.  I’ll do the best I can.  I promise.  I started this adventure with nothing more than your advice in mind and  look how far I’ve made it!  3,000 miles away from home, I’m taking care of myself, making my own decisions, and seeing the world with what little time I have left.  And if I so perish on this adventure, make sure you have your DJ equipment in place for my arrival soirée… with an open bar obviously.  It’s tacky not to have an open bar at a celebration.

Going on an adventure in the Philippines for your birthday.  Wish you could make it.

 XOXO V

===========================================================

Listen to the song “thescienceandfundamentalsoflove” featured in “Dear Davis.”  It was written, produced, and preformed by Davis and his band: To The Moon And Back Twice.

***

Photos were take by:

Ye Mao Zi Photography (夜猫子摄影)

Aaron Berkovich is one of my personal friends and long-time supporters. He believed in my dreams before it was cool.

He’s been shooting in Beijing for the later year and by photographing travel, parties, people, and food, his intimate images allow him to share his own journey with like-minded people. Like his page here.

Kiss Your Worries Away: How To Maintain Your Body AND Pay Down Your Loans

I love being crushed under crippling student loans.  Who ever thought of suffocating middle class students with debit before they could legally have a drink should probably get a medal.. because dreams are for trust-fund babies.

But being healthy and not bankrupt shouldn’t be mutually exclusive.  

I’m a broke, recent graduate, who’s living on her own in China and I’m in the best shape of my life.  If I can do it, then so can you.  Here’s how.

1. Stop Buying Alcohol At Bars/Clubs

Said no one ever. But seriously. Get drunk at home like every other respectable middle-aged man or women in the corporate rat-race.  Perpetual raging is bad for your health and wallet.  If you’re throwing down $10-$15 a drink, 4 drinks later, you just racked up a tab of 60 bucks! If you’re a recent grad, I’m guessing your body can still R&R (rage and recover) relatively well, so nothing is stopping you from doing this 3 to 4 times a week.  $240 later… you’ve also consumed roughly 2,448 calories of regular beer, or 1,552 calories of distilled spirits, or 2,000 calories of wine. That’s $960 and almost 10,000 EMPTY calories a month! I don’t know about you, but I’m more vain than I am thirsty.

2. Invest In Sleep

 You know what’s awesome? Free stuff. I’ve seen my peers tackle people to the floor for a free shirt, but for some reason, we don’t put the same type of dedication into our sleeping schedule.  The relationship between sleep loss and weight gain is a strong one.  Stop pretending like it’s not.  As an adamant believer in “Eff it-YOLO,” I need my body to be in tip-top-shape in order to run away from potential kidnappers in Thailand, wind surf in the Philippines, and crush CrossFit programs in China.  Also, if I come home earlier (like 2am) then I am less likely to blow my money on midnight junk food or get ripped off by cabs. It’s really that easy.

 3. Buy Green Things

 Let me break it down step-by-step for people who continue to be confused.  When you roll up into the super market, head straight for the vegetable section first.  I’m sure your recent diploma has sharpened your deductive reasoning skills enough to identify what is green and what is not.  Approach the “green thing,” pick it up, ascertain whether or not it satisfies the following criteria: is this green? If the answer is “yes,” put it in your basket. Walk directly to the checkout aisle. Pay. Leave.

Most millennials know that fruit is good for you, blah blah blah, but fruit also has a ton of sugar and can get expensive fast.  We know about tomatoes, eggplant, and potatoes, but dark green vegetables continue to be daunting to young adults because we don’t exactly know what do to with them.  Do we eat them raw? Can we microwave this? Will this taste good in a cocktail?  Youtube or Google how to cook green vegetables.  It’s really that easy.  Plus, you pay per pound and your dollar is able to stretch farther without your pants doing the same.

Author’s Tips: Donate all of the “crap” and processed foods in your pantry to a local shelter. This way, you can only drunk-eat raw vegetables at home when your self-control goes out the window at 4am. Also, get your sober self to hide the delivery menus before you hit the club. It’ll be a fun game for you to play when you come home.

4. Go Outside

A gym membership isn’t cheap and running on a machine is incredibly boring.  Try joining free/cheap co-ed league instead!  It gets you moving and helps you meet people in your immediate neighborhood.  Ignore everything you were taught as a child and don’t be afraid to build relationships with these strangers.  This way, if you’re ever lacking motivation, these new fit friends will be more inclined to blow up your phone until you drag your ass to volleyball practice after work.

It’s also a great way to hit on random dudes… “I TOO have a smart phone… we should probably exchange numbers.”

5. Eat Real Food

A pound of sugar is TECHINCALLY fat free.  It blows my mind that companies are allowed to label their processed garbage as “fat free” or “sugar free,” when in reality, they’re just substituting in foreign chemicals to satisfy the criteria necessary to be put on the shelves.  Buy real food.  This is a squash.  That is an avocado.  This is salmon.  That is beef.

What is Aspartame? What is saccharin? Or acesulfame potassium? All of these chemicals are unnatural sweeteners that offer zero nutritional value, but still remain on the FDA-approved list.  Screw you FDA.  I hope you get fat.

6.  Switch to Income-Based Repayment (IBR)

 IBR payments are based off of your current income and family size, and thus, IBR can decrease your monthly payment significantly.  While it extends the repayment period, if you continue to carry some debt after 25 years (and meet certain requirements), chances are some of your remaining balance might be canceled!  It’s a gamble, but it’s a resource nonetheless.  Read more about it here.  This is my plan: after I crush Chinese in next two years (fingers crossed), I plan to go to business school and study international trade so I can continue my nomadic ways, but in a far more comfortable way.  This is when I plan to really focus on my loans.  But for now, I would rather take the interest hit and do what I love, than continue to live as a prisoner.  The world is about more than just the hustle.

7. Drink More Water

Shut up and just do it.

XOXO V

=============================================================

Ye Mao Zi Photography (夜猫子摄影)

Aaron Berkovich is one of my personal friends and long-time supporters. He believed in my dreams before it was cool.

He’s been shooting in Beijing for the later year and by photographing travel, parties, people, and food, his intimate images allow him to share his own journey with like-minded people. Like his page here.

23 Things To Do Instead Of Getting Engaged Before You’re 23

As 2013 wraps up, I’ve been noticing more and more people getting engaged and/or married under the age of 23.

I get it.

It’s cold outside… you want to cuddle and talk about your feelings… life after graduation is a tough transition… so why not just cut to the chase and get married, right?  It’s hip. It’s cool. You get to wear clothing that wouldn’t normally be socially acceptable at the dive bar you frequent with the $5 beers.  Eff it. YOLO. YOMO! You only marry once…

Oh wait.

The divorce rate for young couples is more than twice the national average. Divorce is no longer a staple in a midlife crisis, but rather, something that SEVENTEEN Magazine should probably be printing on. Headlines could read,

“How to budget for your prom AND your wedding in the same year!”

“What’s HOT: Kids raising Kids.”

“Why your Mom doesn’t really know what she’s talking about.”

Because at the age of 22, I have no idea who I am, what I’m doing, and who I’ll be doing it with for the next year… let alone for the rest of my life.  And that’s awesome.

Some day, I want to get married too.  I want a floor length dress with a ton of cleavage.  I want it to be in Asia, with Ethiopian food, and a filthy scotch selection to calm my nerves when I inevitably start to panic and hyperventilate.  But WANT and NEED are two entirely different things. I NEED to develop MY dreams and MYSELF before I can truly be the type of woman you WANT to marry.

What inspired me to scribble down my feelings (so many feelings!) is The Facebook.  I’m seeing all of these notifications that “X and Y” have joined in matrimony and instantly, these waves of anxiety start to flow over me.  Should I be thinking about marriage? I’ve never even had a serious boy friend? Is there something wrong with me? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME AND WHY HAS NO ONE TOLD ME ABOUT IT FOR ALL THESE YEARS!?

But then I look at my life, my relationships, and my future… and I realize that, I’m fucking awesome.  It literally isn’t me, it’s them.

I have begun to notice a common thread amongst all these young unions: inexperience.  Inexperience with dating, traveling, risks, higher education, career direction, SEX, solitude, religious exploration, etc… and it’s insane that I have already experienced more of the world in the last 22 years than my married peers will ever experience in their life.

I can’t help but feel like a lot of these unions are a cop-out.

It is a way for young people to hide behind a significant other instead of dealing with life’s highs and lows on their own. It’s a safety blanket. It’s an admission that the world is just too big and scary to deal with it on your own; thus, you now have someone that is legally obligated to support you till one of you dies or files for divorce.

Which could be tomorrow, because the LGTBQ community isn’t ruining the sanctity of marriage, the Kardashian family is.

If your love is truly eternal, what’s the rush? If it’s real, that person will continue to be committed to you 2 months from now, 2 years from now, and 2 decades from now. Grow, learn, travel, party, cuddle, read, explore. Do. Freaking. Something… other than “settle down” at 23 with a white picket fence.

Because you owe it to yourself.  You are a human being that deserves to thrive inside AND outside of a relationship.

We are not our parent’s generation.  I’m tired of hearing about how “my mom and dad got married young and X, Y and Z” because they were raised with a completely different set of values, priorities, and without the anxieties and adulterous risks that comes with the worldwide web.  I’m speaking directly to the Millennials.

Millennials deserve the opportunity to develop ourselves, alone.

I recognize that my opinion is not going to be popular on The Facebook… especially amongst those who fall into the “under 23” category.  I would be confused if I didn’t receive some sort of online backlash or a loss of friends on The Facebook.  Some how… I will move forward.

But in the words of my 15 year-old sister, “Sorry I’m not sorry.”

Sure.  Some days I wake up and stare at my ceiling thinking: “I’m single as fuck.”  But then I realize that those friends are going to get knocked up and fat soon sssoooo in retrospect, who really is winning here? I’m in China. I’m having the best time of my life. I am responsible for my own happiness.

Please enjoy these 23 things to do instead of getting engaged before you’re 23.

1. Get a passport.

2. Find your “thing.”

3. Make out with a stranger.

4. Adopt a pet.

5. Start a band.

6. Make a cake. Make a second cake. Have your cake and eat it too.

7. Get a tattoo. It’s more permanent than a marriage.

8. Explore a new religion.

9. Start a small business.

10.Cut your hair.

11. Date two people at once and see how long it takes to blow up in your face.

12. Build something with your hands.

13. Accomplish a Pinterest project.

14. Join the Peace Corps.

15. Disappoint your parents.

16. Watch GIRLS, over and over again.

17. Eat a jar of Nutella in one sitting.

18. Make strangers feel uncomfortable in public places.

19. Sign up for CrossFit.

20. Hangout naked in front of a window.

21. Write your feelings down in a blog.

22. Be selfish.

23. Come with me to the Philippines for Chinese New Year.

… because at the end of the day, I just gotta wander onwards. Wishing everyone whiskey and wanderlust during the holidays.

XOXO V

Plan A Failed, Now What?

And I’m lost… again.

Someone once told me, “if you want to make God laugh, tell him your life plans.” Even as an agnostic, I can support that.

My plan was to come to China, backpack Asia, and document it all for friends and family to enjoy. Seems simple enough. I assumed that many of the same business, language, and legal systems we have set up in America would be replicated in China; because they make sense and are practical. I thought that everyone would speak English (to some degree) and that the pollution couldn’t possibly be as bad as reported. I presumed that my China experience was going to be identical to my western lifestyle-but in Chinese.

Basically, I threw myself to the wolves-covered in calf blood-in the middle of winter.

So what do I do now? My Plan A is out the door and I’m not old enough to LEGALLY get a working Z Visa in China to execute plan B, C, and E. Plan D is to marry a rich Chinese man… “D” as in “Desperate.” And TECHNICALLY, this one is still on the table…

My life is like GIRLS, but in Chinese.

After talking to many of my other China friends, I’ve realized that I’m not the only frantically going through the alphabet, trying to find a plan that works.

…“I’m doing a Masters program that I don’t even like”…

… “I only planned to stay 6 months. Then I was going to go back to the UK to be with my super serious boy friend. I was going to get married and become a Chinese teacher… but instead, I’ve been here for 2.5 years and I still don’t know what the fuck I want to do with my life…”

“I’m jobless, homeless, and loveless.”

But this is China. Everything in China is just a constant cluster-fuck, so the best “plan” is to have no plan and to wait for life to pass you a soft ball. Only rookies have concrete strategies. Only people who are destine to fail see out their proposal till the end.

I am neither. Or at least I’d like to believe so.

At any given moment in China, your office could close, an employer could skip town, or your Visa could be revoked. And you just have to take it. Like a freaking woman. You have to become comfortable with taking leaps of faith because there’s rent to make and residency to maintain. So while the goal is stability, I think the word needs to be adjusted.

I prefer “floating.”

Or the ability to keep one’s head above water for long periods of time. This way, I can still enjoy the cold chaos beneath the surface, but at the same time, I can still breathe. I can relax. I can close my eyes and enjoy the journey.

If you’re currently drowning in your mother country, consider yourself lucky that you have the ability to communicate with people around you when you need help. Consider yourself blessed, that you don’t have to fear deportation or imprisonment for simply wanting to create a life for yourself. Remember that you’re incredibly fortunate that there are laws and rules in your society that protect you from harassment, fraud, and intimidation.  During the holidays, it’s  important to remember what we have.

Because most wanderers don’t have that in China. We are just 21st century immigrants just trying to find our place in the world.

It’s okay to fail. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to feel sorry for yourself while eating dark chocolate, as you tell your cat about all your feelings. What defines a truly strong person is the ability to roll with the punches AND take them, at the same time. Because even when everything seems like it’s gone to hell, there are 25 other letters to choose from in the alphabet.  Screw Plans A through D.

If nothing goes right, then zuo guai (turn left).